B-Vault//808: My Bey Playlist for the girl about to cry in Sprint. I see you.

Here’s hoping you roll up to a sprint store like this:


And not like this:

beyonce-broken hearted.gif

But if you leave looking like a broken hearted girl see below.

Most of us carry on with our every day lives, under the assumption that we’re decent law abiding citizens. We pay our taxes, look both ways when crossing the street and do our best not to be assholes. But there’s always that dark force, ready to push us, ready to test just how enlightened we really are. Sure I’ve read Deepak Chopra’s “Peace is the Way” and I’ve thought about running a 5K, and I mean I do have frozen spinach that I may someday use in my freezer. So surely a man in a yellow shirt, with friendly thick black glasses, a roundish face, who can make me laugh and coddle me like newborn baby with tech terms could never ever push me to the brink of insanity? Could he?

 If you’re questioning the above forementioned question, if this is where you are in your spiritual journey (god bless you, you beautifully naive starfish moonchild) but you’re wrong. The answer is yes, oh yes they can and they WILL.

Its known as: Sprint. Or what I like to call a place I am no longer allowed within 8 feet.

It all seems fine. I mean you just want your phone fixed, right? That thing that connects you to everyone and you pay a kidney for every month. Ok so maybe you’re dropper, maybe you leave it on the floor a lot for your six week old puppy or maybe you’re just a free spirit who can’t be bothered with real life connections outside of yourself: I don’t know your life.

I’ll just leave the judging to the professionals but I do know this: if you’ve subscribed to modern technology and haven’t given up yet, you know yellow is the darkest color in the rainbow.

I’m no saint. I fall into the dropper, didn’t know how to hyperlink till about 2 years ago (why does everyone else’s emails look so fresh and so clean clean) category but I know respect and honey bear, I’ve gone too far to go back to pretend (I’m looking at you glasses). All I really need in life is to be treated with the same efficiency, care and competence as a 3 year old and I’ve gotten better treatment from any child whose driven me to the end of any red wine bottle than a brosuf in a uniform.

My last encounter at a store (whose location shall not be named), left me close to rage tears. Ok I’ll admit I wore something sheer. I mean if Karen Walker has taught me anything it was how to slay the patriarchy with fashion and since its not going anywhere anytime soon (the patriarchy darling not fashion) I might as well get some free shit off its idiot ass. Not to mention, I’m a middle class working girl who can’t afford many “extra unexpected monthly charges” moments so excuse me but we all do what we have to do.

Oh and I’ve paid dearly. I’ve walked in one woman and walked out another and not in the fun way. I’ve said things I never thought I would say. I’ve waited as I watched the clock’s hands drip shy of two (f***ing) hours. I’ve watched as other not as sheer wearing humans received rock star treatment. I mean, do they know who I am? Do they know I’ve been 20 feet away from THE Hilary Clinton herself (and yes she was wearing a pantsuit). Do they know how many buses I’ve taken to get here? How close I am to my second shift that does not allow any time for error? I watch as they watch me. Somehow enjoying wasting my time. I swear, I walk in thinking ok Erin play it cool, play it cool no one deserves to be yelled at, especially when its not their fault. And yet somehow you ended up storming out as if youre filming the last scene of Norma Rae as you shout UNION UNIONNNNNNNNNN!!!

I’ve watched too many women, carrying small children and elderly people being taken advantage of with their upsell fast talking methods and all in the name of what? I just want to live in a world that doesn’t make me spend $500 on something that cant be explained properly to me all because they have the upper hand and they KNOW THEY HAVE THE UPPER HAND.

I want just one moment of freedom to walk away with my day un-ruined and I WANT MY 5 HOURS BACK.

So this 808 is for you girl.

And maybe, just maybe, my daughter will have the ability, no the right to live in a world where yellow reminds us of sunsets and gender neutral nurseries and not the stale grey carpet of the windowed death starship that will forever be known as: my nemesis.

So go ahead, go and have a good angry cry (alone in your car) while blasting the following Bey tunes:

  1. Ring the Alarm/B-Day: This is such an underrated album, much less song. The lyrics, “Tell me how should I feel when I know what I know/And my female intuition telling me you a dog? (!!!) /People told me about the flames I couldn’t see through the smoke/When I need answers, accusations, what you mean you gon’ choke? (ohhhhhhh)” Need I say more. Blast this and ask for mother f***in answers.
  2. Sorry/Lemonade: Sorry is the song you play when you want to make sure he knows that you know you that you know that he knows that umm you don’t give a shit. He’s done you so wrong at this point, and you know the only thing left to do is rent a bus, with the girls about to comfort and confront, and remind him, “He tryin to roll me up/But I aint pickin up” HELL NO.
  3. I Care//4: I think I’ve overplayed this song after a really bad breakup because itunes rated it my number 4 most played song. I cannot tell you how many feels overtook me as I watched her perform this live, sitting on a barstool, in a sequined gold plunging v-neck body-swim suit as her fan blew it into ocean waves. It’s a song that says, you may not care but I do. Its also a nice landing song to come down from the anger into admitting you were hurt.

5.Start Over//4: Ok, we all said things we didn’t mean. You’re a human, I haven’t showered in two days. Maybe we just all need to take a step back and say, lets move forward the best way we know how. Maybe not together but stronger for admitting we were wrong.

  1. Jealous//Beyonce (self titled): Ok nope he did not just say that. Forget Start Over this is war and nothing makes a girl feel more powerful than Bey standing in front of a fully decorated table, in a black lace body suit, with spike earring cuffs and decorated gem rings as she slaps the lit candles across the wall. Sing the lyric: “I’m in my penthouse half naked/I cook this meal for you naked/So where the hell you at? There’s just one shot left in this drink, in this glass, don’t make me break it” and then she doesssssssss.
  2. Flawless (Remix): Ok ladies, anger only gets you so far out the door but what keeps us from going back to “humiliate me” island? Answer: Revenge. Its Beyonce’s desert sweet remix after her original “Flawless” to get us more intune with that Bey promise: I’m the shit and I want everyone to feel like this.
  3. Superpower//Beyonce (self titled): You’ve shattered your shot glass, you’ve climbed on top of rage mountain and said to the world, “Here I am world and yes I bleed and yes there is a girl behind all this sheer fabric just needing to be loved but I am always strong. I am always powerful.” (They can’t break us down (repeat)).
  4. Grown Woman//Beyonce (Bonus Album): Do you like the way I walk? Cuz I walk a vengeance/” Beyonce preaches in this song. This is really when Beyonce fired warning shots that she did in fact come to slay. Its her non apologetic, whiskey holding, destruction of her image projected dance anthem we truly needed from her. Because girl you really can get whatever you want because you’re GROWN. Now put that freakum dress on and join the ranks of women who’ve been burned but never scarred.

Like what you see? Visit my page B-Vault for more secrets from diary unlatched on the interwebs.


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